Infertility · Life

The 12 Days of Waiting…

Whew! Seven days down, five to go! I gotta admit, this whole “TWW” (two{ish} week wait) is actually about as hard as I thought it would be. There are times during the day when I just feel so at peace about everything, that it will be okay either way, then I sneeze and start worrying if it is at all possible for the embryos to fall out of me… <siiiigh>.

I seriously have this inner monologue going – “Oh crap. Was that a cramp? Maybe it wasn’t a cramp. Oh, yup, cramping. Wait! This could be good! This could be implantation, right?? Oh no! What if it isn’t! What if I’m PMSing! Oh Noooooo!!! …Oh, wait… yup. Just gas.” πŸ˜›

A part of me wants this wait to be over, but the closer we get to it being over, the less I want to be there. I love ‘feeling’ pregnant. Granted, most of that is from the meds, but there is just something about knowing that there potentially are two little lives inside of me is really nice. I mean, It the test is positive, great! But, if it isn’t, I’m not sure I’m ready for all this to end.

So, what do I do when I can’t seem to calm down? Pray, read scripture, pin verses, and listen my Instrumental Hymns Pandora Station.

Below are some of the things I’ve been pinning. I do not own any of these images, I found them all onΒ Pinterest.

 

Cast_Cares Dear_God Do_Not_Worry

 

 

Fight_for_you How_Great_Thou_Art I_Know_The_Plans

In_Christ_Alone Trust_In_You Well_With_My_Soul

My Symptoms @7DP3DT

  • Sleepiness
  • Micro-pimples/breakouts
  • Cranky & Irritable
  • Sore Breasts
  • Food Aversions
  • Food Cravings
  • Warmness/Hot Flashes
  • Bloating
  • Vivid Dreams (I am now scared of Alligators… :|)

Granted, most (if not all) of these could be from the meds and stress, but I figured it’d be good to document them either way. πŸ˜‰

So, for the next five days, I will continue to hope, pray, and overanalyze everything. πŸ˜‰ Thank you all for bearing with me. Love you!

xoxo

Food · Infertility · Life

Our Lives these Past Two Weeks

Whoo! These past two weeks have been CRAZY! Thankfully things have been pretty chill this weekend, so I’ve been catching up on my Etsy orders! πŸ™‚

Fair warning – there are quite a few selfies in this post. lol. I’m trying to make sure everything is documented!

So, last week I had my monitoring appointments on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Thankfully my body seemed to respond pretty well to the stimulation meds and my doctor never had to up any of my doses! I’m thinking this may have helped cut down on side effects as the only ones I really had were headaches.

IMG_8784

Aren’t these socks rad? I got them from ThinkGeek! πŸ˜‰

IMG_8787

Baseline Selfie!

IMG_8789

Paul and I got to practice giving shots on these things. I think it helped. πŸ˜‰

IMG_8791

Crazy Meds! It seems so overwhelming at first! I am amazed at how quickly one adapts to this kind of stuff.

IMG_8792

These are the needles Paul is currently sticking into me every night! #ouch #paininthebutt #heisdoingagoodjobthoug

IMG_8803

First Follistim injection selfie! Pardon the lack of makeup, it was 5:45 am!

IMG_8808

I am in love with my new shirt from Sevenly. I felt it was a very timely design for me & part of the proceeds went to a good cause!

IMG_8818

Paul being his awesome self and giving me a foot massage. I have been so blessed by this man y’all! I couldn’t imagine going through all this without his help and support. God is good. πŸ™‚

IMG_8840

Pre-Op selfie! (or groupie? duoie? what is it called when 2 people take a selfie?)

IMG_8841

He loves kisses – I promise. πŸ˜‰

IMG_8842

More rad socks! Love the flamingos!

IMG_8848

Another doctor office selfie!

IMG_8850

And one more! Excited to learn that we would be triggering soon!

Stims check list! The trigger shot was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be!

IMG_8858

A gift I knitted for our doctor! She loved it!

Paul’s status after our trigger shot! #hescute πŸ™‚

IMG_8863

Egg retrieval! So ready to get things going!

IMG_8864

He humors me. :*

IMG_8865

More socks! These were some I got from a TTC sister through a TTC exchange! If you want to participate in one, check out more info here. This one is bound to be super fun! You have till the 13th to sign up!

IMG_8867

Cute Hubby! I was becoming kinda out of it at this point, but thought I was totally awake. This mindset continued for the rest of the day. πŸ˜›

IMG_8868

I also recall this bed being comfy and loving the blanket.

IMG_8869

My sexy bracelets.

IMG_8870

and my sexy hairnet. I also thought I was super awake here…

IMG_8872

Trying to read my book before and after the procedure. I managed to finish a few chapters.

IMG_8907

Since I haven’t posted any pictures of the girls lately, here is Ash!

IMG_8920

And Ember! They are both still as awesome and crazy as ever. πŸ˜‰

IMG_8938

Whoo! Paul and I waiting to find out how our embryos were doing! The egg retrieval went great and they got 19 eggs! Out of those 19, 12 were mature and 10 fertilized! Praise God, these numbers were way better than I was hoping for!

IMG_8940

So excited that our embryos are doing wonderfully! As of Thursday, we had 4 grade A embryos and multiple grade B ones! After talking to the doctor, she recommended either transferring two embryos on thursday or waiting till saturday and transferring one. Thankfully, Paul and I were one the same page, so after 30 seconds of discussion, we chose to transfer two perfect 8A embryos! God has truly had His hand in this! The doctor and embryologist both said that our cycle went as perfectly as they could have hoped! Now we are just waiting to see if it is God’s will for these little embryos to stick! If you could remember us in prayer these next few weeks, it would be much appreciated! Obviously, we long for this cycle to be successful, but above all, we want God’s will for our lives. This can be so hard to remember sometimes.

IMG_8943

First family picture! lol πŸ˜‰

IMG_8944

So, you can’t *technically* see the embryos in this picture. The little white dot you are seeing is the two embryos and the fluid they have been living in. It is crazy how much you can love two tiny little things!

IMG_8949

After our embryo transfer, we went to celebrate at our favorite restaurant! This is where we came after we got engaged, for my last two birthdays, and anytime family is in town. LOVE this place!

IMG_8950

My plate (it took multiple sittings to eat – Paul says I can’t say I’m eating for three just yet lol) πŸ˜‰

So, that pretty much sums up our lives of late. I had a couple job interviews and they went really well! Just waiting to hear about some last few details before this are official. So, hopefully more on that later. πŸ˜‰ We are also pre-selling awareness bracelets on our GoFundMe page. We are currently shopping around for the best place to purchase those from. Hopefully we will start mailing those out by the end of the month! Thank you all again for your love and support! We feel it! We do continue to ask that you will keep us in your prayers. Love you all!

xoxo
Sarah

Infertility · Uncategorized

Hello, October! (and a ton of updates)

Hey Everyone!! Sorry I haven’t been blogging – I have sat down to write a post multiple times, but Netflix recently updatedΒ I have been busy with Etsy orders & a little distracted! πŸ˜‰

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love and support we received after my last post! I was utterly amazed and I love you all! Thank you to everyone who shared their stories with us! I may not have replied to everyone, but know that I appreciate it and I’m praying for y’all! πŸ™‚

So, for those wondering, here is an update on our IVF cycle! We started BCPs September 7th, and I took those for two weeks. Then on the 23rd, I had my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound, we picked up all our meds, and had our class on what all they will be doing and how to give shots! Whoo! There was a lot of info to take in!

We started ‘stimming’ (stimulating my ovaries in hopes that they will produce more than one egg πŸ˜‰ ) on the 26th and then I had multiple monitoring appointments on tuesday, thursday, and friday this week! The monitoring appointments at my clinic are kinda first come-first served, so there was a lot of getting up a 4:30 to get ready so I would look pretty. <Yawn> I miss caffeine! Β πŸ˜‰ lol

I started out giving myself one shot of Follistim in the a.m. and a shot of Micro-dose HCG in the p.m. After my appointment tuesday, my doctor wanted me to add in Ganirelix in the morning. So far I have given myself 22 shots in my stomach! It is crazy how quickly you become accustomed to it! I actually had to give myself a shot while waiting for my food at Sonic – that was interesting!

So, everything is looking good! I actually feel really good as well – I didn’t really experience any side effects until thursday and even the ones I have are fairly mild. Thankfully, my body is responding very well to the original doses of meds, so there wasn’t a need to increase anything! (yay!!)

Now for the exciting stuff! We will be triggering tonight! (The trigger shot is a large dose of HCG given intramuscularly to help mature my follicles and get them ready to be released!) This means that my egg retrieval will be monday morning & embryo transfer will be either thursday or saturday! Then we will continue shots until the pregnancy test which will be 10-12 days after our transfer!

{{{Disclaimer! Obviously we are hoping that all will continue smoothly and we will get pregnant. However, we have not decided how soon we wish to share the news of whether or not we are successful. Β So please, be patient as we try to figure all that out! πŸ˜‰ }}}

Ahh!!! This is starting to feel so real!! I’m so excited about all of this, but feel this peace as well! It is so nice to know that no matter the outcome, Gad has His hand in this!

Hopefully my next update will be sooner that later!

xoxoxo

Infertility

A year later. {Originally Titled: I’m feeling a bit raw…}

I wrote this post a year ago, but never hit the publish button. It felt too raw, and part of the story was not yet mine to tell. Now, 12 months later (and six drafts later), I am ready.

But first, some background.

As most are well aware, My husband Paul and I were diagnosed with infertility (MFI) June of 2013. We suspected something was wrong (as most people do after not conceiving within 12 months). However, we were not prepared for the answer we were given.

While we were both sad, Paul took it hard. Much harder than I had ever expected.

I tried to help him. He tried to get help.

Good counsel is a wonderful thing.

Yet, something was still not right. We would have some really good days, but the bad days became more often. I remember playing frisbee with some friends and one of them coming up to me after the game to ask if Paul was alright. I said he would be.

August 26th I wrote this:

It has been a rough week. Really rough. I’m so grateful for my Savior, and the hope He gives me. Without that, I would feel so lost.

However, today was a good day. I’m so, so grateful for our church. One can truly feel the love of God amongst those people.

I need to confess something though, I can’t tell you what the sermon was about today. (Sorry, Mr. Randy!) I was trying to pay attention, I promise. I even started taking notes, but once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. It was as if a wave of emotion was suddenly let loose, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wrote nonstop for the next 45 minutes.

It felt wonderful. Even though I missed the sermon, I felt close to God in those moments. I felt loved by His people. I was uplifted and hopeful again.

I want to share this with you, so maybe, God will give you hope too.

I have included some songs that came to mind as I was writing.

I praise Him for everything that is going on, and trust in His plan.

Here it is, in all it rawness:

25-8-2013

We can’t do anything ourselves other than mess up…we are sinful, broken beings. We have no hope. At least, we wouldn’t have hope if it weren’t for God. Hope is such a precious thing. This preciousness is illuminated in what seems like a hopeless situation. I feel so broken, worn down, tired, sad, lost, crushed. I feel like wave after wave is crashing upon me at times, with no break to catch my breath. “The waters are rising and I cannot breathe”

I hate feeling so out of control, I hate watching my husband spiral down… Seeing how much our current situation is hurting him is breaking my heart. In this time, the only thing I’m learning I can do is cry out to God. I pour my soul out to Him – begging Him to rescue me. I don’t know why this trial continues, but I know – without a doubt – that God hears my prayers. Even when the results aren’t what I want. I must trust that He has a plan. Even if all that comes out of this is that my faith is stronger…that plan is worth it. I hope that my actions will direct others to Christ. “I have a shelter in the storm”

I cling to God, I take shelter in His promises, I have hope in what He is doing.

~~~————-~~~

It felt so good to get that out at the time. I saved it as a draft and never intended to publish it, yet here I am.

Continuing the story…

By October, Paul had become suicidal.

Praise God, he never actually tried to do anything. I don’t know what I would have done, I love that man so, so much.

I will forever be grateful for the promise Paul made my dad.

I will be forever grateful to the two people who showed up at my house at 4 am and forced Paul to get help.

I will be forever grateful to my friends who let Ember and I crash at their place the first night Paul was in the hospital.

I will forever be grateful to all the doctors, nurses, and others who helped Paul and I get back to a good place with life.

I will forever be grateful for the love and support both our families showed us.

For those wondering, Paul was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. You can hear a lot of the story in his words here.Β I encourage you to listen.

We had hectic holidays, but by January, things were so much better. It is amazing what God can do.

I’m not sure how to end this post.

Depression is no joke, and if you or someone you know is struggling with it please know that there are so many people who love you and want to help. If you do not feel comfortable talking to someone you know, you can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:Β 1-800-273-TALK /Β 1-800-273-8255.

This past year has been drastically different than the last. God has been so good. While there are times both Paul and I struggle with where we are at in life, they are much rarer than in the past. We are both very different people today as well. Honestly, I like the people we are today a lot better than who we were one, even two years ago…

Still not sure how to end this. I suppose the original ending to this post is still the best ending.

I cling to God, I take shelter in His promises, I have hope in what He is doing.

Love to you all,

Sarah

Infertility

An Open Letter to Our Future Child

Oh, My future child,
How we love you. Β You have yet to even be formed (that we know of) or brought into our lives, and already we love you. Β We have loved you ever since we first wanted you. Β We love you and want you even more for all the difficulties we are going through to add you to our family. Β We have longed for you, prayed for you, dreamed of and for you, hoped for you, wept for you, wanted you, and loved you. Β I hope that someday when you are here with us (be that through natural pregnancy, IVF, adoption, or whatever miracle God chooses to use), you will know and feel the truth of these words. Β Your father and I loved prayed for you before you ever were, and we will continue to love and pray for you, our blessing from God, for the rest of the story of our lives.

Infertility

Resolve to Know More – Encouragement

354a09577f2306fc3a434f18057ed275Despite attempts to keep one’s sense of humor, there are times when all you need to do is cry.

After Paul and I first got our Infertility diagnosis, I felt so alone. It seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant… No one knew how I felt and I didn’t know how to tell people. Honestly there are still days where I don’t know what I’m feeling, just that I AM feeling. Thankfully, my husband and family are there for me when I need to cry, and I appreciate that more than they know.

I need to talk about it, its who I am, but I don’t want to make others feel bad for having children or telling me they’re expecting. These blog posts sum up so many feelings that I have experienced in a much better way than I ever could!

1.Β http://www.stevewiens.com/2013/03/26/ten-words-that-describe-infertility/
This was one of the first blog posts I ever read once we knew we were infertile, and it still brings me to tears. This man managed to put into words feelings I didn’t even realize I had.

2. http://trialsbringjoy.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/10-things-to-stop-doing/
This, YES. Please, read this!
As for pregnancy announcements, Mother’s Day, and baby showers…Please don’t exclude me, but be understanding if I can’t come. If you are pregnant and we are close, I appreciate being told either in person with no one else around or via text. (That way I know before it goes on FB-I don’t feel left out and feel like I’m a part of your life, but I have time to process it.) As far as baby showers and birthday parties go, I am happy for you and want to celebrate with you! Please, let me decide what I can and can’t handle. πŸ™‚ Because honestly, it can vary day to day.

3. http://trialsbringjoy.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/do-something/
Both this and the one above are by my friend Chelsea. We originally met on Instagram only because she was organizing a gift exchange with multiple ladies who are currently battling or recently overcame infertility, but she has become one of my heroes. The grace and honesty she and her husband Josh portray as they battle infertility is inspiring! I love the online community she has helped cultivate-the support and understanding is amazing!

4.Β http://www.disneybaby.com/blog/when-i-cant-do-baby-showers-and-6-other-things-your-friend-with-infertility-wants-to-tell-you/