Loss

What it felt like #captureyourgrief

Day 3

A phone call.

It’s amazing how that’s all it take to turn your life upside down.

Zeke had been so sick – first a bilateral grade 4 brain bleed, then a pulmonary embolism, then perforated bowels, then a liver stroke – it was a horrid downward spiral. We received many calls…

“Ezekiel’s crashing, you should come now”

I swear they were always at 2 am.

We’d arrive as they were resuscitating him wondering if this would be the last time but praying it wasn’t. Praying so hard that God would give us another day with our precious baby that He would give the doctors wisdom and that He would give us strength.

I still pray daily I never have to watch people force my child to breath or hear those awful beeps from the monitors again.

It seemed to take 10 minutes to stabilize him the first time, a few days later it’d be 20, then 30, then 45. The night he passed I swear they worked for nearly two hours – trying everything possible to restore life to his tiny body while giving us updates as we watched tears streaming.

I remember someone handing me water.

I kept shaking my head – trying to deny what my heart already knew.

About a week or so before April 6th, I started feeling that the end was near. We told the doctors and Zeke that we would fight as long as he did. We prayed for God to let us know, give us peace, and He did.

The moment came when we knew it was time. They carefully wrapped my beautiful boy in his blanket I had made him and handed him to me. I held him for the first and last time as his sweet soul left the earth.

All I wanted in that moment was for him to know how loved he was. Paul and I whispered “I love you” over and over as we kissed his sweet face. He quickly slipped into the arms of Jesus.

I have never heard my husband cry like that…or myself for that matter. We wept from the depths of our souls together as we lost a part of us and our lives changed forever. We cried until we couldn’t, held him until we could no longer stay awake. (we got the call at 12:30 am – not yet having gone to bed)

We gently bathed him and swaddled him and prayed. Pictures were taken, casts made, items collected that I will forever treasure. We told him we loved him for the last time.

Then we were left, trying so hard not to drown in our sorrow. Needing to be “strong” for Noel. Not knowing what to do and yet having so much to do at the same time. Wishing so many things were different, feeling angry that we couldn’t keep both our babies while struggling so hard to continue to praise God for giving us both boys, for Zeke’s 25 days, for salvation and eternity.

Zeke passed away the morning after Easter. The day we are still and remember God’s sacrifice and loss of His own Son , His resurrection and the promise of life was Zeke’s only ‘holiday’.

How amazing is that.

I still cry and wonder what it would be like to have two adorable kids running around. I wonder if Noel misses his brother and how this may effect him. I’m torn between wanting to speak Zeke’s name to people I know and not making them uncomfortable. My heart is often overwhelmed with love when others talk about what he meant to them. It helps to know he isn’t forgotten.

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