A year later. {Originally Titled: I’m feeling a bit raw…}

I wrote this post a year ago, but never hit the publish button. It felt too raw, and part of the story was not yet mine to tell. Now, 12 months later (and six drafts later), I am ready.

But first, some background.

As most are well aware, My husband Paul and I were diagnosed with infertility (MFI) June of 2013. We suspected something was wrong (as most people do after not conceiving within 12 months). However, we were not prepared for the answer we were given.

While we were both sad, Paul took it hard. Much harder than I had ever expected.

I tried to help him. He tried to get help.

Good counsel is a wonderful thing.

Yet, something was still not right. We would have some really good days, but the bad days became more often. I remember playing frisbee with some friends and one of them coming up to me after the game to ask if Paul was alright. I said he would be.

August 26th I wrote this:

It has been a rough week. Really rough. I’m so grateful for my Savior, and the hope He gives me. Without that, I would feel so lost.

However, today was a good day. I’m so, so grateful for our church. One can truly feel the love of God amongst those people.

I need to confess something though, I can’t tell you what the sermon was about today. (Sorry, Mr. Randy!) I was trying to pay attention, I promise. I even started taking notes, but once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. It was as if a wave of emotion was suddenly let loose, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I wrote nonstop for the next 45 minutes.

It felt wonderful. Even though I missed the sermon, I felt close to God in those moments. I felt loved by His people. I was uplifted and hopeful again.

I want to share this with you, so maybe, God will give you hope too.

I have included some songs that came to mind as I was writing.

I praise Him for everything that is going on, and trust in His plan.

Here it is, in all it rawness:


We can’t do anything ourselves other than mess up…we are sinful, broken beings. We have no hope. At least, we wouldn’t have hope if it weren’t for God. Hope is such a precious thing. This preciousness is illuminated in what seems like a hopeless situation. I feel so broken, worn down, tired, sad, lost, crushed. I feel like wave after wave is crashing upon me at times, with no break to catch my breath. “The waters are rising and I cannot breathe”

I hate feeling so out of control, I hate watching my husband spiral down… Seeing how much our current situation is hurting him is breaking my heart. In this time, the only thing I’m learning I can do is cry out to God. I pour my soul out to Him – begging Him to rescue me. I don’t know why this trial continues, but I know – without a doubt – that God hears my prayers. Even when the results aren’t what I want. I must trust that He has a plan. Even if all that comes out of this is that my faith is stronger…that plan is worth it. I hope that my actions will direct others to Christ. “I have a shelter in the storm”

I cling to God, I take shelter in His promises, I have hope in what He is doing.


It felt so good to get that out at the time. I saved it as a draft and never intended to publish it, yet here I am.

Continuing the story…

By October, Paul had become suicidal.

Praise God, he never actually tried to do anything. I don’t know what I would have done, I love that man so, so much.

I will forever be grateful for the promise Paul made my dad.

I will be forever grateful to the two people who showed up at my house at 4 am and forced Paul to get help.

I will be forever grateful to my friends who let Ember and I crash at their place the first night Paul was in the hospital.

I will forever be grateful to all the doctors, nurses, and others who helped Paul and I get back to a good place with life.

I will forever be grateful for the love and support both our families showed us.

For those wondering, Paul was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. You can hear a lot of the story in his words here. I encourage you to listen.

We had hectic holidays, but by January, things were so much better. It is amazing what God can do.

I’m not sure how to end this post.

Depression is no joke, and if you or someone you know is struggling with it please know that there are so many people who love you and want to help. If you do not feel comfortable talking to someone you know, you can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255.

This past year has been drastically different than the last. God has been so good. While there are times both Paul and I struggle with where we are at in life, they are much rarer than in the past. We are both very different people today as well. Honestly, I like the people we are today a lot better than who we were one, even two years ago…

Still not sure how to end this. I suppose the original ending to this post is still the best ending.

I cling to God, I take shelter in His promises, I have hope in what He is doing.

Love to you all,